I am not sure how long I have been looking, but I feel like it has been a while. I have read multiple books and sought out various professionals and friends but still, where is my Buddha Nature? Apparently, we all have one and can tap into it at any time and reach enlightenment at any given moment. I am a bit of an overachiever and I think at this point I am merely frustrated by the fact that I have not tapped in yet.
If anything, I feel more at peace with my life than ever before yet I have far less time to create the space I need. I don’t think I would have been capable of locating this mysterious Buddha Nature at any point before my 30’s. And if anything, I need to find this thing more than ever, now!
There are so many books about mindfulness and motherhood and I have read quite a few. I have tried all the tricks, focusing on my body throughout the day, taking in the moment, relaxing my face, even smiling at random points. I tried to smile when I came upon a red stop light as a new tactic to find my inner peace. The best I got was a few strange looks from the car next to me wondering what that creepy lady in the minivan was smiling about!
I do not think I will give up on this search but am wondering if the only thing I am achieving by searching is just more guilt and stress over the “need to be better”. When I really get down to the brass tacks, I have beautiful children, loving husband, lovely home, supportive family and friends. Could this be my Buddha Nature in disguise? Am I looking in the wrong places or expecting something other than what I already have…assuming that what I want MUST be better?
There is no life without stress, trials, tribulations, tired days, irritations. Would we truly enjoy our days without those things as our measure?
While I may find enlightenment one day, I may have to hang up the “to do” of finding it today.