Today’s “Freestyle Friday” guest post is by my dear friend, Miriam of slay fitness. She shares her story of awakening to her life. She is training to be a yoga instructor and her workouts that she posts on her blog are intense. But to have the rockin’ body she does, I guess they’d have to be!
My life today is a complete departure from the life I had a few years ago. I look back at the person I was before and thankfully it isn’t someone I can identify with. I wasn’t a bad person. I believe there are probably a lot of mothers who are living with a very similar mindset. Mindsets can be changed. I was someone who was struggling with participating in my own life. I was a stay-at-home mom living in Chicago bordering on agoraphobia. I hated dealing with the world. My children were my life. Even being blessed with healthy and beautiful children and a husband who worked hard so that I could stay at home with them, I still felt unfulfilled. I began watching life unfold instead of being part of it. There was loneliness which I created and perhaps some resentment. Never against my own kids; it was toward myself for not knowing how to be myself. I had forgotten myself and became only their mom. I quit showing up in every other way. I was mildly relieved to be able to hide behind them.
I quit trying to have friends. I quit trying to learn things. I quit being interested in life besides my garden and my kids. I quit trying. At first it was great, I was sure my attachment to the little ones was healthy and that I was being a good mother. Then I found myself fearing the day when they didn’t need me. I clung to them tightly and discouraged them from making friends at the park since everyone seemed weird. They were never allowed to play with other kids, or go to the neighbor’s house because I was terrified of having to speak to them and sound dull. I also became needy, demanding and insecure toward my husband. For some reason it was all his fault. I resented him for being “involved”. As far as I was concerned, it was just me and the kids.
Little by little the world I created became small. I began to create a rich fantasy world of what my life could be like if things were somehow different. I spent so much time daydreaming about escaping the life I had that I never noticed the one I actually had. These little wacko daydreams of living in Maui or some other ridiculous situation, really sustained me for a very long time; a sad little fantasy of what my life could be if only everything could be different.
I don’t know when exactly but things started to change. It might have happened when my marriage, which I had been ignoring, began to fall apart. Realizing that I was about to lose the life I had been squandering, I decided the best life I had was the one that was mine. Even though I hated where I lived without friends, convinced I was my husband’s beast of burden rather than wife, I decided to start liking my life. Like became love. I started creating a sense of gratitude for everything. Tiny details made the difference. I de-cluttered my house, made a few friends and had a party. I found that putting forth some kind of effort was exactly how to be happy.
Good things started happening that I never expected. My husband got offered to open an office in my hometown in Florida. I can’t explain that part. Perhaps these are the miracles that are waiting around the corner that we can only receive as soon as we are ready? Maybe the only way to become ready is to cultivate gratitude and happiness for whatever situation you find yourself in. And even if we never did move, the real miracle is knowing that I would have been happy right where I was.
Thank you Miriam!
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