Thank you so much to Emily of The Secret Life of Emily Maine for guest posting this week! Her blog is one of my favorites partly because it’s a secret and I love being in on a secret. haha! Seriously, she has such an interesting story and great tips on detox, making unique relationships work and trying to conceive. Enjoy!
Before having a baby I was a career focused nomad which seems like an oxymoron when I put it like that. I had persistent itchy feet. I traveled relentlessly and was perennially searching for something.
The perfect job, the perfect life, the perfect man, the perfect me.
I was struggling to find it and even ran quite off the rails for a while. In my early 30s there was endless drinking and partying (that’s the polite way to say taking party drugs).
I eventually saw that was a path to self-destruction and shipped myself off to a year overseas in South East Asia to do some volunteer work and “find myself”. It was a good choice. Although drinking is a favourite pastime for travelers it enabled me to leave the drugs behind and change the patterns.
I intended to stay the year but the money ran out and I came back home to the same job, the same friends and the same lifestyle awaiting me. I had to get out of there.
I started putting my feelers out and management in Sydney heard I was looking for a move and nabbed me to work on a billion dollar program with them. It was a great job and I threw myself into it with vigour. I’d always been a hard worker and performed well but this was something else altogether. It was a highly political program which basically means high stress so I just traded one adrenalin burst (partying) for another (high stress job). I was an adrenalin junkie.
I didn’t know how to function without stress in my life. I loved the fast lane because of this. I wanted to live hard and play hard. Go hard or go home was my motto.
I insisted my mind was never still enough to meditate because I just couldn’t stop it from bursting with ideas. Now I understand what that means. That I was an accident waiting to happen.
I did very well in that job. I was promoted twice in two years and ended up managing my own area. It was a good career move. But it wasn’t enough. And if anything I realised that it wasn’t how I wanted to live the rest of my life. Scratching my way up the wall that is the corporate ladder; always trying to impress; always being contactable. Living and breathing my job.
At the same time some events in my personal life conspired to push the urgent button on the whole procreation thing. I was 33 years old at the time. At that point I wasn’t particularly clucky. In fact, if anything, as life progressed I seemed less clucky and to me that was just plain weird.
As a child I’d always been the one hanging with the little kids. I planned my first baby at 22 because that was when my mum had me. I was engaged young but didn’t go through with it. All signs pointed to the fact that I’d settle down and become a mother sooner rather than later. But it didn’t play out that way. I got lost. Real lost. And the further away from myself that I went, the less clucky I became.
I was smart enough to know that while a child didn’t fit into my life right then or it didn’t necessarily seem like the right time that in all likelihood I was so damaged I would probably never get it all together by 40 and in time to have a family of my own. So I took the other opportunity that was on the table which was to have a baby with a man who had essentially started out as a one night stand and whom I was not in a relationship with.
It is a strange story and one more belonging in a movie but it is true and it is what happened to me.
It has been hard at times, really hard, but it has also been the making of me as woman.
I am becoming whole again. I am finding me.
I have been blessed that the man I chose is a good man. This could have turned out so much differently had he been otherwise. He has also had a history with massive anxiety and has taught me so much on my path to healing. He often says to me “Becoming a mother has softened you. You were destined to do this” which in the past would have horrified me (my hard shell was important) but now warms my heart.
I also feel a sense of stability now that I never had before. I still love to travel but gone is the nomad. I have found my home. Here in this town where I haven’t even lived for 2 years and with my beautiful baby boy. And now we are embarking on this strange journey together again in the hopes of bringing baby no 2 into the world.
It was not the conventional way to become a mother or have a family but it has brought me more happiness and peace than anything I have ever done in my life. I was meant to be a mother…just as I knew as a young girl…just as I dreamed. I’d just gotten so lost I’d forgotten who I was and what my dreams were.
I simply needed to find…ME.
P.S. While I was finalising this post this song kept running through my head and it perfectly depicts how I feel my life could have ended up if I didn’t go down this path to be a mother and eventually start to find ME. For those of you who are sitting at home wondering about the life they could have had – well there’s a message for you here too
Again, thanks Emily! If anyone would like to guest post, check out the details here and message me!