I love my puppy. Who doesn’t love a puppy? I am sure there is someone who does not love a puppy. But to me, dogs are wonderful beings. I love all animals but I have a particular affinity to dogs. They are fun! They are loving, loyal, crazy, and wild but there is just something about them. I love their dog-ness. However, I was recently a person who absolutely, unequivocally did NOT want a puppy. I made a big display of not wanting a puppy. I stated my case with well thought out and logical arguments. I have a busy life, I am gone throughout the day, I am done with having babies and waking up in the middle of the night, I am done with potty training, and on and on and on. Yet, here I sit at 5am with my puppy who is now my alarm, waking me an hour earlier than I would normally like to wake up. Oh yea, thats the other thing I used to say I’d never do…wake up early. I love waking up early.
Is the pattern clear yet? I knew this vaguely about myself but in a conversation yesterday one of my patterns, or samskaras in Sanskrit, became overtly clear to me; so much so that I could not help but laugh. The pattern is this: I will say I absolutely do NOT want something or to do something… “unequivocally, well thought out not wanting to do it” and then later on down the path, I do it, love it and can’t imagine life without it.
In the conversation, I was acknowledging how much I love connecting with people and that life events have led me to a place where I want to offer support to others in any way I can, possibly through counsel. The funny thing is that I was a Psychology major in college and went the research route because I vehemently did NOT want to counsel people, the idea was almost laughable to me. Well, it has been almost 20 years since those days but the “I won’t ever” is moving into a direction of happening.
Three years ago, I went through yoga teacher training to “deepen my practice” saying pretty confidently at the time that I had no intention of teaching. I now teach up to 8 classes per week. It is the joy of my life and heals me daily. I opened a yoga studio 6 months after completing teacher training. When my business partner and I were looking for spaces to open, we said, “definitely not ‘there'” We ended up opening up “there” and it is perfect.
Over the last couple of years, since losing my beloved dog, Elli, my family and I began the conversation of adding another dog to our life. I said, “It has to be an older rescue dog. The youngest I will go is a 1 year old.” I was firm about this. About 8 months ago, we rescued one-year-old Italian Greyhound mixed dogs. They were brother and sister and the cutest dogs. We had them for almost 2 weeks but one bit a neighbor so we had to take them back. They ended up getting new homes, likely without kids. I loved those dogs but that whole experience was devastating for me. My husband, who wanted a puppy from the beginning, insisted we get a baby this next time. I relented. I love her so much. My older dog loves her so much. The kids love her.
This puppy was only 7 weeks old when we got her. I had to crate train her, potty train her, wake up in the middle of the night for her, endure puppy teeth wounds all over my hands and generally baby her. She is now 6 months old and she wakes me up at 5am every morning. I now love waking up even earlier than before. I have more time to do the things I love to do in the morning…sit quietly, drink coffee, read, write, contemplate, work, etc. I love waking up to her sweet voice instead of a phone alarm.
We have to rush to get ready for school to walk her before we leave for the day. We take her to puppy school on the weekends. She gets into everything and anything including half a dozen boiled and dyed eggs this weekend. I get up from my desk chair around ten times in a 30 minute period to redirect her. She tries to eat the kids toys and our socks. She makes me crazy but she has brought so many laughs and joy to my life. I love having her so much so that I am actually considering another puppy in the near future! She has brought our family closer as we have a ritual of family walks once or twice per day and in this time we catch up on our lives. We have fun family time at puppy school laughing and working together. She has invigorated us with newness and I could not be more grateful.
I recently realized that I wanted to pursue something more. I wanted to learn something more and offer more to others and to myself. I was all over the board and told myself what it definitely is NOT…although I am thinking it is exactly that. We will see, stay tuned. And so it is, in the words of my favorite energy healer, Tracey.
My intuition speaks to me but my fear of what it says leads me straight to “absolutely NOT”. The fear of the unknown, the “what ifs” and the self-doubt lead me to nix it from the start. Yet, my intuition, or my guides, know better and gently send me off into the direction I need to go so that I can ease into what at first seems too much.
I love recognizing patterns/samskaras. It is fun to witness all the stuff I do and say and the scripts I play out. Awareness brings clarity into so many areas of my life. Noticing and witnessing the play makes life exciting to watch unfold. I can only wonder what great thing is awaiting me. At least now I know that my first clue will be hearing myself think or say, “absolutely NOT!”